Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
