Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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