hotel room ftw
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
