She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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