I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
