if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
