I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
