similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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