I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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