I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
