yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
