I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
