Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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