Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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