She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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