You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
