Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
