My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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