first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize