filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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