Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
