Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
