I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Semen is not good for contacts.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
