I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
