We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
