she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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