next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
