if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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