i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
