Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
