3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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