Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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