I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
