sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
only you would photoshop your dick
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
