I'm gonna have a badass scar
someone threw a dead crab at me
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize