I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
