my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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