i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
