dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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