would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
