I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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