how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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