this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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