saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
