True but thats because hes a fetus.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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