I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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