my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
