I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
