honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
