Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
