his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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