I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
