I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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