Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
