i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
