I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize