Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
