I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
