i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize