why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize