i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize