Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
