6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
