She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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